Anubis Versus the Shower
by Relyan
Summary: Anubis encounters his most difficult enemy yet: the modern shower. Life was so much simpler in the 16th century ... Continuing to explore the 'what ifs' of Anubis's life with the ronin.


Anubis warily eyed the various gadgets in the bathroom, and tried to recall Sage's instructions.

 _Rinse with the shower before you get in the bath. It's hot, so enter the bath slowly. When you're ready, get out of the bath and clean yourself with soap. Rinse again, and get back in the bath. Don't worry about draining the water when you're done; the tub will drain itself. Grab a towel and go into the other room to change._

Sage had then demonstrated how to use the shower and adjust the water temperature, but faced with the fixtures on his own, Anubis was at a loss on how to use the damned things.

Well, at least the stool's purpose was obvious enough. Settling on the wooden seat, Anubis gave the shower appliances a hard stare.

He knew that one dispensed water, one controlled the water temperature, and the other … he traveled the length of the hose that disappeared into what looked like a blunted version of his kusarigama and realized he had no idea what the strange L-shaped metal end did.

Anubis sighed; if he were in the Netherworld he'd be nearly finished bathing by now, instead of sitting naked on a wooden stool, staring at a wall.

He eyed the bath, already filled, steam curling invitingly off the hot water and was sorely tempted to just get in – cleanliness be damned. But no – he had to learn how to bathe in the modern world, and there was no way he was going to ask Sage to explain it to him again.

Anubis cringed at the thought of walking through the lodge, clad only in the light yukata provided in the changing room. He wasn't modest, but he had his pride. He was the guardian of the Spring Armor, the (former) leader of the four dark warlords, and the Ancient One's chosen successor! He was determined to figure this out.

Propelled by a sudden rush of courage, Anubis grasped one of the knobs and twisted it hard.

Cold water exploded onto his head, chest and back as the showerhead surged to life, a dozen tiny streams gaining strength when Anubis's reflexive jerk turned the pressure higher. With a startled squawk, the former Warlord of Cruelty fell backwards off of the stool and crashed onto the bathroom floor.

XX

Mia's head snapped up at the loud thud, and she gave the ceiling a worried look. "It sounds like Anubis is having some trouble with the bath." She winced as another thud followed the first. "Maybe one of you should go check on him."

Five sets of incredulous eyes stared at her. They'd faced down monsters, demons, and four very uptight warlords, but not one ronin wanted to walk in on _that_.

"It can't be that hard to use," Cye excused. "You told him how to use the shower, right Sage?"

The blonde nodded. "He seemed to understand my instructions."

Mia glanced upstairs again, unconvinced. "But still …"

"Plus," Kento pointed out, "we _really_ don't want to get an eyeful of Anubis's Jewel of Life."

"KENTO!" Mia exclaimed while Rowen snickered.

"He'll be fine," Ryo reassured her while sending his friend an admonishing glare. "Anubis led the warlords for 500 years; I'm sure he can handle the shower."

XX

Dark thoughts ran through Anubis's mind almost as fast as the icy water pouring over him. Sage had said that the water would be warm, left at that temperature from the last person who'd used it. _Someone_ had changed it so the water would be cold, most likely knowing that he would be the next one to use the bath.

"Rowen," Anubis growled between clenched teeth that were most definitely _not_ chattering.

Doing his best to ignore the frigid torrent streaming relentlessly over him and half of the bathroom, Anubis grabbed the toppled stool for leverage and pulled himself to his feet.

Gods, it was somehow worse standing up! Curled on the floor, he'd had some meager body heat to keep the worst of the cold at bay, but now the frigid water was hitting him head on.

Strategically shifting to shield himself from the worst of the onslaught, Anubis silently promised that Rowen would pay. He might not have any proof, but he _knew_ that Strata was responsible. He'd heard the other ronin complain about his pranks often enough, and he'd even caught the boy in the middle of exacting revenge on Kento for some perceived slight. Yes, this had Rowen's fingerprints all over it. He would not forget it.

Steeling himself, Anubis bravely reached through the icy curtain and wrenched the tap to the side. The water immediately receded to a quiet drip and Anubis sighed in relief. Pushing dripping hair from his face, he walked the short steps across the sodden bathroom and – remembering Sage's warning – gingerly lowered himself into the still full and (thankfully) steaming bath.

 _Finally,_ he could relax. Exhaling slowly, Anubis closed his eyes and reclined against the tub, his lips lifting into a smile as he thought of increasingly creative ways to punish Rowen.

XX

After a quick wash and rinse with soap and another dip in the bath, Anubis stepped out of the bathroom feeling more relaxed than he had in months. As he dried his hair in the changing room, Anubis tried to remember the last time he'd felt so utterly at ease. Not since Talpa had declared his intent to capture the mortal realm, at least.

If this was how everyone felt after a bath, he could definitely get used to modern life. Learning how to use all the strange gadgets would be worth it. In his relaxed state, he even forgave Rowen; after all, what was a little harmless fun?

Dropping the towel in the provided bin, Anubis stepped into his slippers and reached for his robe, but all he found was empty air.

He frowned. He had put the robe right there, or at least thought he had.

Anubis scanned the small room, but his robe was nowhere in sight. His frown deepened; did he put it in the bin by mistake?

A quick rummage resulted in nothing, and neither did a second check of the bath or the changing room. What the hell?

Emptying the bin, Anubis's relaxed mood quickly disappeared as he sorted through the used towels, desperately searching for his robe. Never, in all his time with the Dynasty or since, had he been so demeaned. Here he was, squatting in nothing but slippers and elbow deep in used bath towels. The irony that he would need another bath after this did not escape him.

The last towel in hand, Anubis sat back in disbelief. Nothing. His robe was well and truly gone. It was almost as if …

"ROWEN!"

The man sprung off the ground and in his haste just managed to wrap a towel around his waist before he ran out of the bathroom, murder in his eyes.

XX

Another thud, this one much louder than the previous ones, announced the arrival of a very wet and very pissed off former warlord.

The fury reflected in Anubis's steely gaze made Sage, who normally enjoyed those rare occasions when Rowen got was what coming to him, quickly warn his friend.

"Rowen, run."

But Rowen, perhaps warned by Strata or just acting on instinct honed from years of pranks gone wrong, had already jumped up from his chair. Without pause he leapt over the sofa and sprinted out the front door.

With one eye on the ronin's retreating form, Anubis retrieved the Ancient's Staff from the closet and stalked to the center of the room. His muttered breath was followed by a brief flash from the staff and a loud, indignant "REALLY?!" from outside.

Curious, Ryo edged around Anubis and peaked out the window. His face broke into a large grin at the sight of Rowen, frozen mid-flee and suspended several feet off the ground as White Blaze pawed playfully at the boy's shoes and the hem of his pants.

Distinctly not amused, Rowen tried to summon his armor to help him down, but nothing happened.

"No fair!" the floating teen shouted.

Anubis looked remarkably smug for someone in just a towel, as he watched his nemesis struggle futilely against both the cat and his invisible bonds. "Anubis, 1; Shower, 0".


End file.
